If you can use anything...Use Me.

Working at Beulah Beach I have the amazing opportunity to meet lots of people and just witness God work in so many different ways. Tonight as I was working late into the night helping Lisa get ready for Day Camp I walked out into the lobby to print something on the copier. Anyway one of the ladies from the Baptist Church that is here this weekend was sitting out at her computer and singing...what a voice. Anyway, she was singing the song "If you can use anything Lord you can use me." Those words just hit me hard. When was the last time that I actually offered myself up like that and said "use me Lord." Yes I work at a Christian Camp and I am in the ministry but it seems lately I've been so caught up in what needs to be done or what hasn't been done yet that I've forgotten why I started out in this field. Why I love Beulah Beach So much... for the simple fact that the Lord can use anything and I offer myself to be used. I don't know that means for me this summer. But it is my prayer for God to use me to get His work done. 

If You can use anything Lord
You can use me
If You can use anything Lord
You can use me
Take my hands, Lord
And my feet
Touch my heart, Lord
And speak through me
If You can use anything Lord
You can use me

(Repeat)

Lord, you called Moses
From the wilderness
And You put a rod in his hand
You used him to lead Your people
Over to the Promised Land
Lord, I'm willing to trust in You
So take my life Lord
And use it too
Yes, if You can use anything Lord
Come on and use me

When David fought Goliath
And that mighty giant fell
He proved to his people
That God was alive in Israel
Lord, I'm available to You
And I'm waiting to be used
Yes I am, Lord
If You can use anything Lord
Come on and use me
Take my hands and my feet
Touch my heart, speak through me

After the multitudes
Heard the words that Jesus said
He took two fish and five loaves
And the multitude was fed
Lord, what I have may not be much
But I know it can
Multiply by Your touch
So if You can use anything Lord
Come on and use me

This is for Benjamin

So Benjamin said he wouldn't look at my new blog design that Adam did (doesn't it look awesome! thanks crites) So Benji-poo here's my new blog designed by Adam.

Benji, 

I was trying to sing the Johnny Robeck song and well i'm not so good i need the lyrics...It's one of my favorite songs and I just skip so much of it when I sing it. 

For the Real...Blog...

Camp starts in like a week. I am challenging the Lifeguard course...I hope I pass...There is so much to do and no time to do it. AHHHHHHHH....

I also enjoyed time with Lisa today we sat on the hill and talked about life love and camp. It's been great having her around. 

I'm really tired it's time for bed now...the Beulah Beach Auction is tomorrow...yay for being a Carney tomorrow...No it does not make me Clown...so don't even say it...

Chuck Taylors

Okay so yesterday I went shoe shopping with my mom. I heart shoes...it's probably an unhealthy obsession, i just like 'em what can I say. Anyway so this particular shoe shopping adventure I was looking for some cute tennis shoe style shoes. So i find these uber cute nike tennis shoes that are gray and pink :-) and then i found the white tennis shoes that I have been looking for forever! They are cute canvas shoes and I was like these would look great with anything and all the time, which was the goal.

Now for some back story. Chuck Taylors, never really "knew" what they were I have a few friends Benj and Joel that seem to LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Benj has even decided to include them in his wedding day, odd i know but that's why we love Benj. For some reason I thought that chucks where the high top ones and I always thought of well...early 90's, and that's about it. You could say i have some prejudice against the Chucks. It just seemed like everyone was jumping on the Chucks wagon, Benj, Joel and now most recently Adam. It takes a special person to pull off the look. I didn't really think i had it nor did i really care about jumping in on the fun.

Back to my story, so I go up to the counter with my sweet new kicks, and the lady is like your Chuck Taylors will be the ones half price...if you could have seen my face you might have chuckled to yourself a little bit. I was like my what?! Shoot I jumped on the bandwagon and I didn't even know it! But now that I've taken the plunge....I LOVE THEM! They are so so great! I can wear them with my cute new little dress that I bought a little while ago and my capris, and just regular ol' jeans. Spectacular! But that is all, I just had to share my uh...sillyness.

As every minute goes by...

I get so excited when groups arrive...it brings life back into this place. That arrival time is so awesome, each person that walks through the door has forgotten about what just happened the week before and they are ready to meet with God. Experience something new something fresh...even if its just a change in scenery.

I've been thinking a lot about Beulah Beach. I love what this place represents, I love that lives are changed and that I can be apart of that. But there's something inside of me that I feel is missing. I don't know what it is. Maybe that excitement. Whenever I was a camper or when I was on summer staff I was so excited about coming to Beulah Beach it was like, "Awesome, new experiences new people...this is going to be great." Now...it's like..."Shoot I've got a lot to get done." A retreat goes by that I've worked really hard at getting set up, like the Youth Prayer Retreat, I've put countless hours in entering names of campers and making sure schedules don't conflict, and answering questions...and it's coming next weekend but I'm already focused on the next retreat. I don't want to miss out on that experience. I want to be able to focus on what God has for me this week, this day...but I'm so caught up with tomorrow. This goes even outside of my work life...into my personal life. I keep thinking...okay what's next. On my next day off I've got to get this done...on this weekend I have a birthday party...I haven't taken a second to breathe. I need to breathe.

I want to be able to take time and breathe but it's almost like I'm to afraid to find out what might happen in that moment...that moment when I say...okay *sigh*. What will flood my mind. I'm longing for a connection, a connection that can only be met by one person...Jesus. I just finished the Shack (great book by the way) and in it Mac took time to meet "Papa" but I long for something like that where I can go away for a weekend and just be with God...where it's just me and Jesus...no concerns about what needs to be done at home or in the office. I want that retreat that everyone comes to Beulah Beach for, those people that I host and greet and serve while they are here. I desire that for myself. And I need it. I know I do. This summer is going to be so difficult if I don't take that time to...breathe...Oh but I look at the calendar and see so many groups so many people that are going to be walking on the grounds and there isn't time to take that breath. There is not a change for sacred time...that time with God. meeting him in the "shack".

"[This is] because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it." - Jesus, in The Shack

"You can't [change that], not alone. But together we will watch that change take place. For now I just want you to be with me and discover that our relationship is not about performance or you having to please me. I'm not a bully, not some self-centered demanding little deity insisting on my own way. I am good, and I desire only what is best for you. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And I do love you." - Papa, in The Shack

These two quotes from the Shack seem to fit where I am...I know the truth, I know that God does not want to harm me when I meet him in that place...but that fear still consumes me...because I can't trust. All of these doubts go through my mind and I get angry for God allowing this to happen, or that to happen, or that person to be out of my life forever. I have so many questions that I would love to have answered. I live with this persona of perfection (thanks Nate) I don't even want to write those words, because I'm admitting this truth. Giving the idea that everything is perfect and wonderful and nothing is going on in my life that would make me sad. That's a lie. My reasoning behind some of that is that why should people know what's going on...would it make a difference? I want to guard myself from outside heartbreak while inside I'm dying... I can't seem to say enough how much I need that time...how much I crave for an opportunity to take the gloves off and just go at it with God. To get angry, to repent, to heal...to heal. Oh that healing is so needed. I need to stop writing and actually act upon my desire and this pressure in my heart.