LIfe, Love and the Big City

Can i just say that over the last year or so I've wanted to live in a big city on where no one knew me I was just there doing my job and just enjoying life. Spring Break was a couple of weeks ago and I got to spend a couple of days in Cincy. Now I've been to Cincinnati several times in my life and more just recently. Cincy was one of the first places that I drove as a 15 1/2 year old who just got her permit scary shit right there...I can remember my hands shaking as I gripped the stearing wheel for dear life as car after car passed me trying to gain some sense of worth to be on this stupid road! Anyway thats really not what I wanted to write about today. On this particular trip to the 'nati as some refer to it (cincinnati is just way to long and cincy is well overused i'll try to keep it from getting too annoying hopefully) anyway, my Dad was going to the 'nati for thursday night and friday night for a home-show and then heading home on friday. Well being the good daughter that I am I decided to go with him and just by chance meeting up with a good friend while i was down there...long story short spent more time with that friend than i did with my own father, sorry dad. I was able to spend most of the day on Friday just walking around the city and I absolutely loved it. I felt free it was great to be able to walk around downtown chillin' out in Starbucks (where this post originated from but I didn't get the chance to finish it) I just loved the atmosphere. Yes of course I enjoy talking with friends and hanging out but I like looking forward to seeing them later in the evening. Like you know after work hours. There are days here at school that I can't even walk 5 steps without running into someone I know. It was just great for me to be able to spend time by myself and no one bothered me except for the occasional homeless person asking for money. I also enjoyed being free, being on my own...living my life. The people walking past me...one didn't give a shit who i was and two didn't want to find out. I could live whatever way that i wanted and not be judge by others because they didn't really care, its my choice.
Let me continue with this point before everything blows up in my face. I was sitting in chapel Monday Jack Hagar spoke, back ground on Jack, he is an alcoholic, drug dealer, convict and now youth pastor. Jack has come to the beach many times and I have loved hearing his message. He spoke of going back to the basics remembering the cross and not worrying about the theology yes it is important but that is not THE important thing. It is Christ and the cross. Now how do I tie this in. For the last couple of months maybe over the last year I've been struggling with the whole christian thing. I sit in a classroom full of "christians" who are so sure about what is right and wrong, that drinking and smoking and cussing and continuing the list are all bad. Here's my problem with this. I don't have a problem with any of these things. I don't feel convicted about them but I will respect my fellow human whether they be christian, Jew, Hindu or whatever religion they may have. Yes, I am a christian but I will not say that I am better than everyone because I have discovered the truth. It all goes back to when you're a child you don't realize that the stove is actually hot until you either touch it or choose to believe mom and dad that its hot. I think Christianity is the same way...you can tell me and tell me that Jesus is the only way but for me the rebelous person won't just believe you I'm going to have to figure it out for myself. So i beg and plead with Christian who might be reading this that you stop this unjustifiable judging unless God has said you...christian judge the world...don't It's his job I will stand before God and God alone for my countless sins. Pray for me pray that I turn back to God not play this whole turn or burn game. The basis the truth of Christianity is love and the suffering that Christ went through on the cross. This is where the love comes into this part of the conversation...love God when you love god with all your heart, all you soul and with all your mind that is loving him with everything you got everything you are and everything that you have become. When you focus on loving God, your love will overflow on to the people around you. You might remember the old hymn "they will know we are Christians by love" thats how we should live a life of love. Love with our whole body the two greatest commandments that were give by Jesus were "to love the lord your god and to love your neighbor as yourself." But i must warn you this is not the love the sinner hate the sin...that is bull shit. No one can do that...most "sinners" use their "sin" as their life...they are defined by that they define themselves by that, so when we use that cliche we ignore the person we are trying to love. Love them no matter what...pray for them...and again i will stress this LOVE THEM!!
I hope this makes sense I hope you have a better understanding of what I am trying to say here. Its so important. Many people like in the big city, like me, are just walking through life not wanting to be noticed...to just be able to live the life that we do, and hating christians in the process because of they way they present themselves...its like the movie saved, that is a very good example of what i'm trying to say here. Don't let people just disappear and slip into the darkness...The people you are walking next to at the mall or on the street are crying out for one thing...Love.

Unseen, Unsought, and Uncertain

Captivating has always been that one book that just speaks my heart for the last couple of days I've felt this strange feeling in my heart this unmeasurable pain or depression if you will. Everything is fine in life yes but still deep down inside there is something missing. I really wish i could describe it but I picked up captivating randomly today just because maybe i could refresh myself i read through the first couple of pages and found this again this section, that i have highlighted and made many notes on...its from pages 6-7 of Captivating.

I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I’ve ever met feels it—something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all, if we were better women—whatever that means—life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought—that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain—uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us—whether from a driven culture or a driven church—is: Try harder.

What I've been trying to say...

John Eldridge is one of my favorite authors, I receive daily readings in my email from Ransomed Heart ministry and also prayer concerns. Anyway that's beside the point along with reading Ransomed Heart, an amazing devotional, I get emails from excerpts from the book anyway i just checked my email today and this was the excerpt...amazing if i do say so myself. I'll write more later I have a lot on my mind but i really just wanted to share this with you.

What Role are You Playing?
We come into the world with a longing to be known and a deep-seated fear that we aren’t what we should be. We are set up for a crisis of identity. And then, says Frederick Buechner, the world goes to work:

Starting with the rather too pretty young woman and the charming but rather unstable young man, who together know no more about being parents than they do the far side of the moon, the world sets in to making us what the world would like us to be, and because we have to survive after all, we try to make ourselves into something that we hope the world will like better than it apparently did the selves we originally were. That is the story of all our lives, needless to say, and in the process of living out that story, the original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. Instead, we live out all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather. (Telling Secrets)

Think about the part you find yourself playing, the self you put on like a costume. Who cast you in this role? Most of us are living out a script that someone else has written for us. We’ve not been invited to live from our heart, to be who we truly are, so we put on these false selves hoping to offer something more acceptable to the world, something functional. We learn our roles starting very young and we learn them well.

Confusion

I have always prided myself in the fact that I just do what I want and well I get it. For the last year and a half I have grown into a better person and really just opened up and allowed who I was to just shine through me. The last couple of days I've had this awkward feeling in my heart that, i just don't know what to do with, I wish i could explain it better I wish I could understand myself in a better way but frankly I can't. I'm sitting in my schools coffee shop watching as people go by, the table to my right is two girls who are aparently having one of those good one-on-one conversations that if you walk through IWU they are a constant reminder that this is not a normal campus, where people are just here for either the parties or who would think...education. Over to my left is a couple who are all makie -outie. Most of the time I just ignore it and move on with my life but for some reason today has brought me to a new low that I don't think is healthy for me. I long for that relationship i long to be loved to be cared for to be held. To have that special someone walk by or call me on the phone just to tell me that I'm beautiful or just to say hi. To be desired to be treasured to be respected. This lonliness is awful and I hate it, to be in this state i feel like I'm allowing these emotions to take control of my life and my heart and well thats not good. I posted on my xanga today a song from relient k called more than useless...that's kind of how i feel right now, useless. I want to be doing my job at the beach right now I want to be done with school so that i can start serving God. I just feel like the life i'm living is totally for the future, I'm not living in the here and now and when i "do" I'm actually lying to myself and feeling like even if i wasn't here life would go on and everything would be okay. I know these thoughts are straight from the enemy I mean I've been in the ministry long enough to know that, but i still can't help to be affected by it. I guess i could say that i know that if i weren't here some of my friends would be living a different life because of the influence i've had on them whether it be good or bad. I'm so confused right now. with these thoughts these feelings of loneliness and me not being able to do anything about it i mean i'm not going to just throw myself at some guy because i feel lonely and i'm not going to kill myself because if feel useless...feelings go away, thoughts move on...I sit here.
here's a song from relient k...I heart them and they kind of speak what i'm trying to say or at least some of my feelings this song i guess is the cry of my heart to God...and kind of a prayer.

I am Understood- Relient K

sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself
i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize you're all i'll ever need

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to go

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

you're the only one who understands
completely
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours
and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again
you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
let me embrace
let me embrace salvation

Understanding You...

For so long I've gone through life living this lie. Living the way that others wanted me to live. I got sick of it, putting on a different outfit a different persona if you will, of what others expectations were of me. Living in such a way that you don't know who you are is well lonely. Not knowing who you are because the different groups you hang out with on a regualar basis have changed you and warped you into, in my case, something i never wanted to be. While most people don't exactly know what i've gone through in my life the hurt and pain that i have caused myself and others is to much for the beginning of a blog, but as you read this i encourage you to step back from your friends, from the expectations that others have and even those you have and examine who you are, you might come to the realization, as i did, that you have no clue no idea of who you are but i promise as you give it time as you develop your own thoughts and ideas and analyze why you believe the things you do you will come to a complete understanding of who you truly are, I hope you enjoy the things i write on here...some may not make sense but others might and i encourage comments and thoughts and ideas...enjoy.