Confusion

I have always prided myself in the fact that I just do what I want and well I get it. For the last year and a half I have grown into a better person and really just opened up and allowed who I was to just shine through me. The last couple of days I've had this awkward feeling in my heart that, i just don't know what to do with, I wish i could explain it better I wish I could understand myself in a better way but frankly I can't. I'm sitting in my schools coffee shop watching as people go by, the table to my right is two girls who are aparently having one of those good one-on-one conversations that if you walk through IWU they are a constant reminder that this is not a normal campus, where people are just here for either the parties or who would think...education. Over to my left is a couple who are all makie -outie. Most of the time I just ignore it and move on with my life but for some reason today has brought me to a new low that I don't think is healthy for me. I long for that relationship i long to be loved to be cared for to be held. To have that special someone walk by or call me on the phone just to tell me that I'm beautiful or just to say hi. To be desired to be treasured to be respected. This lonliness is awful and I hate it, to be in this state i feel like I'm allowing these emotions to take control of my life and my heart and well thats not good. I posted on my xanga today a song from relient k called more than useless...that's kind of how i feel right now, useless. I want to be doing my job at the beach right now I want to be done with school so that i can start serving God. I just feel like the life i'm living is totally for the future, I'm not living in the here and now and when i "do" I'm actually lying to myself and feeling like even if i wasn't here life would go on and everything would be okay. I know these thoughts are straight from the enemy I mean I've been in the ministry long enough to know that, but i still can't help to be affected by it. I guess i could say that i know that if i weren't here some of my friends would be living a different life because of the influence i've had on them whether it be good or bad. I'm so confused right now. with these thoughts these feelings of loneliness and me not being able to do anything about it i mean i'm not going to just throw myself at some guy because i feel lonely and i'm not going to kill myself because if feel useless...feelings go away, thoughts move on...I sit here.
here's a song from relient k...I heart them and they kind of speak what i'm trying to say or at least some of my feelings this song i guess is the cry of my heart to God...and kind of a prayer.

I am Understood- Relient K

sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself
i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize you're all i'll ever need

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to go

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

you're the only one who understands
completely
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours
and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again
you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
let me embrace
let me embrace salvation